Second Best
by RISVULove
Summary: Casey's fed up of feeling second to Alex, she always has even now they're together its clear that everyone see's Alex as the queen and Casey's nothing but her servant. Pre-established Calex. TW: Self Harm, nightmares, strong language.
1. Chapter 1

I'm sick.

When a person says that you think of flu's, colds, coughs but thats furthest from what I mean. I'm mentally ill and I'm hiding it from the one person who's trying with me.

The key word there is trying. Its effort to her. Love shouldn't be like this, it shouldn't.

I was stupid getting involved with her anyway. I was always second best, always, to everyone.

Everyone loves her, even when she was in Wistec, it was Alex this, Alex that, and ya know what, I understand, I do. She is an amazing person who does our job with such flawlessness and I could never live up to that, no matter how hard I tried and believe me, I did try.

Why did I get involved with her?

...Simple, I love her. All my heart wants is her but when I do have her, I'm not happy? She holds me in her arms and I still feel my pain, that little voice inside telling me I'm not good enough, that I don't deserve her and ya know what? It's right.

xx

"Baby? Case.. Wake up"

I groan and she runs her hand over my side "C'mon sweetie, time to get up"

She sounds so happy, chirpy for this time of morning and I curl back under the sheets

"I'm not going in" I mumble and she sits in beside me

"Are you okay?" She feels my forehead "You're temperature's not up.. Whats wrong?"

"I dunno' I'm just sick Alex"

"I'll tell Liz" she kisses my cheek "and I'll call"

"M'kay"

"Hey, Case?"

I meet her eyes for the first time "I love you" she breathes out and I nod

"I love you too"

She grabs her briefcase and walks out and all I can think of is how hollow it sounds when I tell her I love her, but thats not how I feel, I do love her, more than anything.. I just don't deserve to love her. Shes out of my league.

xx

I feel the cool metal between my fingers and I cherish it. The feeling I have, dominance, power, strength. Things I never feel- unless I do this.

I press the blade down against my wrist and open the skin. I love seeing the deep red blood slowly drip against the sinks white porcelain.

I know this isn't right. I shouldn't have to hurt myself, I guess thats one more thing that makes me even less than perfect.

I turn the tap and watch as the blood washes down the drain. Its weird, seeing it just disappear like that.

I sigh and look to my wrist, how will I explain this if Alex sees it? Lets face it, she didn't see the others. They're on my thighs..

Wow, has it been that long since we had sex?

Hardly?

I sigh, we haven't had sex in over a month. A month. We used to be like rabbits, we'd be constantly doing something, anything! I cant really remember when it stopped, when we drifted apart..

I wrap my arm in the bathroom towel and decide to go to the living room, its cosy there, it just feels cold here. The cool tiles are like a grasp on me, like a magnet pulling the blade causing the scratches, wounds, on my skin. Causing my Mothers disappointment in me, Alex's disappointment in me..

I sigh and sit into the couch, well the spark in my eyes may be disappearing but I will not drag her with me. Despite the, what I deemed hollow 'I love you's', they aren't meant to be like that because I do love her. Alexandra Cabot is my whole world and I know if she knew I felt so low she'd be so upset with me, so disappointed. I cant let my whole world go, just like that.

Maybe I'll cook dinner tonight? Lets face it, I have been pretty horrible lately, I need to treat her properly to make sure she doesn't leave.

I sigh and run my hands over my thighs "She's going to leave when she sees these anyway" I mumble to myself

Ugh! How could I do this? I shouldn't have-

No, I cant deny it. Sure, I wish there were no visible marks, I wish there was some way I could cause the pain I thrive on without it showing.

I need to feel the power. I love the power. I needed that cut, I still need the cut. I wish I didn't, I wish I was normal like everyone else. I wish I didn't give in, I want to be strong, but I'm not, I'm weak.

Weak little Casey Novak.

I push the thoughts from my mind and walk to the kitchen, I'll do something nice, I need too. She deserves something nice. She deserves beyond nice..

xx

"Casey?" I hear her call and I pour the glasses of wine

"In the living room" I reply and she walks in and I see the beautiful smile on her face. Her eyes shining

"Whats all this?"

"This is me trying"

"Trying?" She seems confused and I drop my eyes

"Alex, I need to talk to you"

"O-Oh... okay? It doesn't sound like a happy topic?"

"Its not.."

"A-Are we breaking up?"

"I don't want too.. I really don't"

"Casey, you aren't making sense"

"I know.. I'm sorry, can we just have dinner and talk in a bit?"

She nods and takes my hand "I love you" she sounds apprehensive, like shes not expecting an answer and I pull her into a kiss

"I love you too Alex"

xx

AN: Okay, theres chapter 1! Let me know what you all think!


	2. Chapter 2

AN: just to let you all know, for this fic, after Ghost, Alex wasn't put back into Wistec and her and Casey began working together but later Alex still went to the Congo, leaving Casey behind working in the office, now shes back about a year and Alex and Casey are together about three months...Just thought I'd fill that in! It'll save confusion later.

xx

"Casey whats going on?" She asks as we eat and I shake my head

"Alex, you know I love you, right?"

"Of course I do Casey and I love you too sweetheart. Case, whats making you so..." She trails off and I sigh

"Nothing.."

"Baby, hey, c'mon, talk with me?"

"Okay..." I sigh "Alex, I need to apologise"

"For what baby?" She asks taking my hand and I kiss her fingers

"Lately, o-over the past month we've drifted apart, I-I don't know what happened but Al, I cant loose you, I couldn't survive-"

"-Loose me? Casey, I don't want to end this at all, I thought you did"

"Never" I mumble and she smiles softly

"C'mere" she pats her lap and I walk around the small table and sit with her

"I'm not going anywhere Case, and I don't want you to either. Listen to me, I love you and I understand, we've drifted apart a little but Case, that can be fixed" she kisses my neck and I tense

She scowls "What?" she asks pulling away and I lower my eyes

"Um..."

We sit in silence and after a few minutes she kisses me

"Whenever you want to talk, I'm here okay?"

"Okay, thanks.."

"Casey, remember I love you, I don't want you thinking we're gonna break up or anything, I need you"

"Alex.. Theres something else"

What the fuck am I doing! I cant tell her!

"What else Case?"

"Al, I feel kinda... down"

Great. Fucking hell, I'm screwed now!

"Down? As in, depressed?"

I nod and she tightens her grip on my hand "For how long?"

Hmm, well lets see about a week after starting in SVU?

"A while" I reply and she runs her thumbs over my hand

"Thats what you wanted to talk about.."

I nod "I didn't know how to say it"

"Did you tell anyone else?"

I shake my head "Just you"

"I think you should talk to someone baby"

"Al, I cant.."

"Casey, its okay to need help now and again, you cant stay strong the whole time"

You do. You never have a hair out of place.

"I shouldn't feel like this, I have you"

"And you'll still have me after talking to someone, I wont run away because you feel down baby"

You cant say that! You don't know what I've done.. I'm such a disappointment. Not just to you, to everyone!

"I'm sorry" I rush out of her lap, trying desperately to wipe my tears, and to the bedroom, where I lock the door, stopping her from following me in

Within seconds shes trying the knob

"Casey! Casey sweetheart, c'mon, I told you I wouldn't run, I don't want you too either. Please, let me in, we don't even have to talk, just let me hold you"

Theres nothing I'd love more than that, not a thing but.. I just cant bring myself to let her in, I don't want her in.

Its her fault-

-No, its not, its my own fault, I'm such an idiot, I shouldn't need this and I definitely shouldn't be blaming Alex.. Its not her fault..

"Please Alex, just... leave me alone"

I hear her sigh and walk down the hall and I too sigh and just crawl into bed, our bed, that seems all that bigger now when shes not in it.

I pull her pillow close, her strawberry shampoo filling my senses

Shes so beautiful, so perfect. So wonderful, my God, shes flawless.

How could I compare to her?

Olivia was right, I'm not half as good as Alex.

Shes never said it to my face but I hear them, all of them cracking jokes about my cases, me. How Alex gets the harder cases because shes 'more experienced'...better in other words.

They always joke about me to each other but never to Alex, they know Alex would stop them, but do they think I'm dense?! They stop talking when I walk into a room! I've heard them talk about me..

For all I know Alex is in on it too. Shes probably fuelling the fire, so to speak.. Maybe she wouldn't stop them laughing at me, maybe she'd join in.

Why wouldn't she?

I just take it anyway. Take all their shit and then go for drinks with them, their false smiles and fake laughs with me, the forced friendships.

I stumble into the bathroom and grab the razor from the side of the bath, furiously pounding the plastic off the side of the bath and crying in relief as the plastic shatters and lands in the bath

I'm left with a blade, again. Standing over she sink I draw a fine line just above the last one across my wrist and then it hits me

Who'd really care if I was gone?

Sure, Alex for like a week but then who? Not my family, or so called friends, all I have is Alex and well, when she sees these she'll leave, why not beat her too it? Leave before she does, only my leaving is more permanent.

I slash again and again and again until I'm swaying on my feet, my legs unable to support my body. I watch the blurred mix of red drip into the sink and I smile

This is what I need.

"-Casey!"

I jump and look up to her

"H-How did you get in-?"

She looks like shes about to cry, like shes just going to break down

"What.. I mean.. When did you start?" She says, her voice broken and barely above a whisper

"A while ago.."

"Answer me properly! A while ago clears nothing up!" She shouts the tears rolling down her cheeks as the wraps a towel around my arm

"I'm getting the first aid kit, go sit on the bed" she says her tone changed to a blank, dull tone

I follow her from the bathroom and sit on the bed like she said and then I see how she got in, spare key, of course she has a spare key.

Shes back within seconds and she silently doctors up my arm, sterilising the raw gashes and wrapping them in a white bandage that some blood still seeps through but neither of us really care

"Its my fault" she whispers "I should've noticed something"

I don't reply, the last thing I need is to discuss this.

"What makes you do it?" She asks

"Stuff I guess" what am I supposed to say, you? Didn't think so..

"Jesus Christ Casey, you make it sound like its nothing! There is something wrong! Whats that bad that you cant talk to me?!"

"I cant talk to you! Cant you see that?!"

"Why not?! I'm here for you!"

"You left"

"When?"

"When you went to the Congo.. You left and I loved you"

"Thats what this is about?"

"No! I'm just saying you left before and you'll leave again-"

"I will not leave again, Casey, sweetheart-"

"Just stop. Please, Alex, I don't want to talk-"

"This wont get better if you don't talk!"

"Its not going to get better anyway! I've been dealing with this long enough to know even if I'm really happy, its there, always. I cant escape, its dark and well Alex I'm tired, exausted"

"So why wont you at least try and let me help?" I see the heartbreak on her face, she really seems to care but I know better than to believe it

"Because, you'll try and help and I'll share things you wont be able to keep secret. I'll share things that'll make you feel horrible, things that'll hurt you... I don't want to hurt you"

She reaches over and takes my hand "And I don't want you hurting yourself, please"

I sigh "Not now, okay? Soon, but not now"

"Thats okay, but I'll need you to promise me you wont do that again, Jesus Case, the amount of blood.."

"I don't think I'll be able to keep that promise"

"Will you please try? For me?"

I nod "Okay I'll try"

"I'm sorry I shouted at you, I-I was so scared.."

I nod "Its okay, I guessed.. Are we okay?"

"Relationship wise yeah, we're okay. Personally, I think we're the furthest from fine we can get"

"I am anyway" I sigh and she kisses the side of my mouth

"I want to help, please know you can come to me, don't take it out on yourself"

I nod "Okay"

"I love you Casey"

Not for long you wont..

I meet her eyes "I love you too" the first honest sounding declaration of love in weeks

That'll change again, then slowly but surely her love will dim and dim and one morning she'll wake up and realise she doesn't need me, which she doesn't..

She deserves better.


	3. Chapter 3

"This is going to be okay"

I meet her eyes "Yeah?" I ask, that being the last thing I expected to hear

"I love you Casey, we can do this, you can do this"

"I'm glad you think so, because I don't. I really, really don't. I know I'll need it, I will.

"I-I don't think I can Alex"

She takes my hand "Why wont you talk to me? Casey, whats going on? Whats hurting you so much that you wont let me help? I'm not going to run out, no matter what you tell me, I want to help, please"

I feel the tears prick at my eyes. I wish I could talk to her, I kinda want to talk to her but does talking really help? Does anything really help?

"Alex if I tell you you'll hate me"

"Casey, I will not hate you-"

"You don't understand Alex, I know you'll be angry"

"Anger and hate are two different things" she says blankly "The point I'm trying to make is I want you to be okay and I'll do what I can to help you but if you don't tell me I cant help. If you don't tell me, you're going to need to go somewhere else for help"

I sigh "Whoever I tell is going to make me tell you anyway"

"You don't have to tell me anything but its hard to try and help you when I don't know whats helping you and whats making you worse"

"I have nightmares" I blurt out

Well.. Thats a start I guess.

"Nightmares? Okay well the first thing I need to ask.. Why didn't you wake me?"

"I don't know, you have work-"

"So do you" I nods and I interlock our fingers

"I know I have, I just felt bad"

"Well don't, from now on you're waking me up"

I play with my sleeve and avoid her eyes "I guess"

"Casey I mean it, wake me"

"Okay, I'll wake you" I sigh and she smiles softly

"So, what're they about?"

"You"

She looks shocked "Me? W-Why? What am I doing? A-Am I..hurting you?"

"In a way" I say vaguely and she scowls

"Case, I'm not going to hurt you, I-I wouldn't"

"You aren't hitting me or anything Al"

"Casey, please tell me what I am doing"

"Its in my head, its not important"

"Yes it is important, its very important. I love you and I want to help"

"Alex, I.. cant tell you"

"Yes, you can. What am I doing?"

"Being you.. Being perfect"

"What? Casey.. What are you talking about?"

"In my nightmares, you are perfect as always"

"As always? Casey, what are you talking about?"

"You're so perfect Alex, all the time"

"What? Casey, I'm not"

"You are.. and I'm not the only one who thinks so"

The fire lights in her eyes "W-What? Who else said something?" She hisses

"Alex.. Calm down"

"No! Who's made you feel like this? Apart from me-"

"You didn't Alex"

"Yes I did. But anyway, who else said something?"

"They didn't say anything directly"

"They? There was more than one?"

"Its the squad"

"What? As in the Detectives? Our friends?!"

"Yeah.."

"W-What.. What did they say?"

"Nothing to me, its more when I hear them laughing about me, about my cases"

"What? What did they say?"

"That you are more advanced than me, thats why you get the harder cases-"

"-Woah! Hey, thats not true. The cases are distributed equally Casey, you realise thats ridiculous?"

"I know but.. well you do win a lot and a lot of your cases are high-profile"

"Casey, you have a 71 percent success rate in the cases you prosecute and the average for prosecutors is 44. Case, you.. are crazy above average how can you think that I'm more advanced?"

"Alex, I wasn't even considering the rates.. It was more what happened when I joined.."

"Why?"

"It was the snide remarks from all of the detectives. I could never fill the Ice Queen's shoes. No matter what I did and believe me, I tried everything, I bent over backwards for all of them and I didn't even get a thank you.. Then when you came back, when you 'rose from the dead' I was forgotten completely, unless it was warning about doing my best on your case, which I was doing anyway. After we won and you came back they started treating me okay, it wasn't bad. But what killed me the most then was how much I wanted to hate you, despise you for turning them against me, for leaving such big shoes to fill and I didn't, I found myself liking you, falling for you and at first I didn't know how I felt about that"

"Y-You wanted to hate me?"

"Honestly, I really did"

"O-Oh... So how are they treating you now?"

"I still hear the comments.. The whispers but thats not the worst"

"So what is?"

"The constant feeling of not being good enough, of being second best"

"Second best... Case, you're not second best"

"Alex, I really am-"

"-Stop. I'm stopping you thinking this. Casey, you need to see how amazing you are. You're so beautiful, smart, kind, caring and you kick ass as an ADA. Please, don't think you are anywhere near second best"

"Thank you" I nod and she kisses me, a passionate loving kiss

"I love you Casey, please, from now on, talk to me about anything"

"Aren't you angry?"

"Angry? At you, no"

"But I.."

"I know what you were thinking, but Casey, what matters is how you feel about me now. Do you love me?"

"I really do.. Do you love me?"

"I do Casey, I love you so much thats why I want to help..C'mon" she grabs my hand and we stand off the couch

"Where are we going?"

She walks towards the door "Olivia's-"

"No! Not a chance, Alex I will not have you fighting this for me, it'll make me look weak"

"Casey, we've known Liv for a while-"

"No! No. Alex please!" My voice is broken, I'm desperate to keep her here

She walks back to me and slips her arm around my waist "I wont go then, hey, c'mere" I bury into her and she runs her hand through my hair "Listen to me, I will help you through this, whatever you need, I'll help you. I'll support you but Casey you need to talk to me, promise me, from now on no matter what you'll be open with me"

"I promise, I will"

"Oh and I'm talking to Liz, you nee time off, time away from the office"

"I don't want to stay here all day alone-"

"-who mentioned alone?"

"What?"

"We'll both take time, we deserve some time together, maybe take an extended vacation?"

"Alex, I cant keep you from work"

"You aren't, I want to be with you. I want to work on us"

"Thank you"

"Thats okay Case"


	4. Chapter 4

"Casey?" She asks as I walk into the bedroom and I meet her eyes

"Yeah?"

"Can I see them?"

I freeze "Um.. Why?"

"I need to see"

"But they're.."

Shes waiting for me to finish my sentence but its clear what I was saying

"They're.. not good Al"

"I don't expect them to be 'good' sweetheart, I just want to see"

"Alex, if I show you you'll think-"

"You don't know what I'll think Casey. You have it in your head that I'm going to hate you and think you're disgusting, I wont. You're still my girlfriend and I love you. I only want to see Case"

I walk over and sit in beside her and she runs her hand up my arm

"You're still the same Case, I just need to see, for me"

I nod and feel my hands shake as I tug at the pyjama bottoms. She puts her hands over mine

"Its alright baby, I'm not going to judge you"

I look into her eyes, she seems concerned

I lower my bottoms and the further down my thighs they go the harder my hands shake

She watches my newly exposed marred skin and she wipes the tears off my cheeks that I didn't even realise were falling

"I love you Casey, this is okay"

"T-This is far from okay Alex"

"It is, Casey. I know you think this makes you a horrible person but it doesn't, listen to me, I know you have some issues you need to work through and I promise I'll support you and these," she gestures to the scars littering my thighs "these don't define you or change you in anyway. You are still the love of my life and I know how I feel about you. I need you in my life Case and I get that you'll need me too, so you can open up to me, about anything, I'm here"

"I-I feel so horrible Alex"

"Horrible? Like sad?"

I shake my head "Horrible as in vicious"

"Vicious?-"

"Inside I hate myself..for a lot of stuff"

"Like what Case?"

"How I make you feel"

"Make me feel?"

"Alex I saw how upset you were, you are, when I told you why I felt like this. This isn't because of you, I-I just need to get over myself-"

"Hey. Don't say that. Case, listen, I was shocked, mostly because I never noticed...anything. I never realised how the detectives treated you, how I made you feel and don't deny it, this is because you were trying to be better, trying to build yourself up to be 'like me' which you honestly shouldn't have been doing and I get it, after I left the detectives were spiteful, cruel but Casey, even if they do make jokes, if they do laugh, you need to see that I, for one, most certainly do not see you as inferior to me"

She pulls my trousers back up and kisses me "Do you hear me? Casey, I love you, more than anything and I hate that you feel like this and I hate that I'm part of the reason but Case, I'm going to help as much as I can, I'm going to show you how amazing you are"

"I'm hardly amazing.."

"You are and I'll prove it to you"

"Can we lie together?" I ask and she opens her arms

"Of course" she smiles and kisses my cheek as I move closer to her

"I'm sorry"

"Don't be"

xx

_"Who are you?"_

_"Olivia, this is our new ADA Casey Novak, Casey this is Detective Olivia Benson"_

_"You're the new ADA?" She says and I scowl_

_"Yeah? Why is that a problem?"_

_"No.. Its just you're White Collar"_

_"So? ...Detective, have you got a problem with me?"_

_"No its just.." She trails off and I press her_

_"Just what?"_

_"You aren't Alex"_

_"Ah, Alexandra Cabot. I'm sorry for your loss, for all of your losses"_

_"Yeah.. well wounds need to heal Novak, don't expect the welcome party right away"_

_I scowl "I wasn't expecting one anyway Detective"_

_She walks away and I sigh roll my eyes "Well I'm off to a good start anyway"_

_..._

_"You are half the ADA Alex was!" She growls and I freeze_

_"I'm sorry I'm such a disappointment" I admit and Olivia sighs_

_"I'm sorry, I-I.."_

_"Don't, its alright. I know, you're still grieving"_

_"Its been a year. I should be over her by now"_

_"Yeah, I have to agree"_

...

I wake up and look to the clock, 4am. I groan against my pillow, I'm thankful this one wasn't as extreme as the others but still, it hurt.

I promised I'd wake her. I promised.

I run my hand along her cheek "Al.."

She startles and looks up to me "Hey. Did you have a nightmare?"

I nod, despite the darkness and she obviously realises and wraps her arms around me

"You're okay Case, I'm here"

"I love you"

"I love you too Casey, try and sleep again"

"M'kay"


	5. Chapter 5

Shes making breakfast, pancakes i think. I smile and roll over, taking her pillow into my arms

I remember waking her last night and I cant help but feel bad. I know she told me to wake her but I was okay. Well more okay than other nights.

Some nights really were a disaster. A mix of uncontrollable sobs and washing away fast drying blood.

I sigh and pull myself out of bed, I want to see Al. Maybe tell her some stuff. Thing is though, despite what she says, I know this is hurting her.

I know shes upset.

I walk down to the kitchen and I hear her talking

"Thanks Liz, I really appreciate it"

Oh, shes getting our time off. I sigh, I shouldn't be keeping her from work. This shouldn't be keeping her from work.

"No, everything is...going to be alright" I hear her say

I hope so.

"Yeah Liz, I'll make sure she's okay. Thanks"

I walk in after a minute and she smiles

"Hi Case"

"Hi" I force a smile and she obviously notices

"Case" she says in a warning tone "stop pretending"

I lower my eyes and she offers me a plate

"Are you hungry?"

"A little"

"Here" she plates up a couple of pancakes "try them and if you want more.."

I nod "Thanks Alex"

"No problem" She busies herself for a minute then sits in beside me with some breakfast for herself

"So, you wanna talk about last night?"

"I didn't need to wake you, but I promised"

"Why didn't you need to wake me?"

"The nightmare wasn't that bad"

"Yeah? What happened?" She says softly

"Stuff.."

"Casey, c'mon, thats not an answer"

"Alex, its not important"

"It is, it is to me"

I sigh "It was when I first started"

"At SVU, okay"

"Alex.. I need you to promise you wont tell Olivia I'm telling you this"

"Why, what did she say to you?"

"Just stuff- sorry"

She slips her hand into mine "Its okay, just don't be afraid to talk to me, I wont tell anybody anything you tell me, I just want you to tell me"

"Okay, when I first started, Olivia especially was icy with me. S-She said somethings that well, hurt I guess. I was really trying with her, with all of them. I tried my best at my job and I got results! Yet they still treated me like dirt! And I get it, they all loved you they needed to grieve but Alex, you don't realise how it felt. I was constantly compared to you, nothing I did was right, ever and as much as they all say 'we're a family' I never felt like that, I always felt left out. When you came back I was cast aside, despite excelling at my job. Then you were gone again and it was back to what would Alex do.."

"And now?"

"Its the same as the last time you came back. I'm outside the 'family' and you're on a pedestal"

"I'm not"

"You are Al"

She thinks back and we sit in a heavy silence until she bursts into tears

"Oh God.. You're right"

I sit in shock, I've never seen her like this, shes sobbing but thats borderline hysterical for Alexandra Cabot

"Al, its okay" I soothe and she shakes her head

"No it isn't alright Casey! This.. I-I'm so sorry we made you feel like this, I'll make it right, I promise you, I'll fix this" she composes herself "I'm sorry you felt like that, you feel like that. I love you and I hate that we hurt you, I'll make this right"

"Thank you Alex"

She cups my cheek "I'll make this up to you"

"I don't blame you Alex, its how I felt"

"Because of us"

I cant deny it, shes right.

"I know you mightn't believe me Case, but I'll make this right. I will"

"Thank you" I kiss her and she wraps her arms around me

"How about this vacation?" She asks and I smile softly

"I'd love that Al, Where should we go?"

"Some where rural? My parents have a holiday home up north? Its really secluded, peaceful, we'll love it"

"I think we would too"

"I love you Casey and I'm really sorry all this happened"

"Its okay Alex. I know I'll feel better soon. I love you too"

"Should we pack then?"

"Sure, um, how long should we go for?"

"Couple of weeks? As long as we need? We can always wash our stuff anyway"

I take her hand "Thank you, for trying to help.."

She nods "I want to help Case... I am the problem maybe I can be the solution too"

"Alex..."

"Please Case, let me help"

I nod "Okay, fine...thanks Alex"

"Thats okay honey"


	6. Chapter 6

"Wow, this place hasn't changed at all since I was a kid" Alex says looking around the living room and I smile, a real genuine smile

"So did you come here often?" I ask as she draws the curtains, the drive took a rather long time and natural daylight was quickly fading

"A good bit. Maybe twice a year? We spent a lot of Christmases here"

"Wow that must've been nice"

"Yeah we'd go to the lake and if it was frozen properly my brother and me would skate and well, try and trip each other up" she laughs slightly and I smirk

"Wow, you were nice"

"Hey! He always started it"

"Yeah, whatever you say"

She slips her arms around me "I'm happy we came up here"

"Me too, the village seems nice"

"It really is, there is a local bar thats really great, oh and the lake I was talking about is beautiful at night, we should go down some night"

"I'd like that. So what else is there?"

"Not a lot" she smiles "The shop, a police station and a fire station"

"Wow, so its rural enough then"

"You could say that. Hey Case, I need to ask something... How have you been feeling, I know its only a couple of days but we didn't discuss it much"

I nod, expecting her to ask "Honestly.. I feel kinda bad"

"Bad? About what?"

"Making you miss work-"

"Casey I said-"

"-I know. I get it but.. I still feel bad. I shouldn't be keeping you from your job"

"Yeah, some things are more important"

"Me?" I scoff "Hardly.."

"Casey, you really don't see it.. You are so beautiful, kind caring.. Case, I love you and you are far more important than anything, including my job"

"But..."

"Family is more important than anything"

I blink away my tears "Thank you"

"Thats okay baby, hey how about we watch a film? I brought the laptop"

I smile "I'd love that"

xx

_"Ugh Casey, c'mon, just get the damn warrant!"_

_"I cant!" _

_"Oh my God! Casey you are such a bitch!" Olivia shouted to me and I slam my folder on the desk_

_"Me? A Bitch? Olivia, I'm trying my fucking best okay?! I want to help this kid as much as the next person so don't you dare say that I'm being coldhearted! I tried! If my detectives did their jobs then maybe I'd have evidence to work with!" I replied harshly as I stood behind my desk_

_"Your detectives?!-"_

_"Yes. You all work for me... Believe it or not! Now if your done I'd prefer if you left, I'm not in the mood for this. Get out of my office, and maybe if you and Stabler go do some work I could actually get us somewhere! Just a suggestion.."_

_"Well maybe if you tried a little more you'd get the fucking warrant! Casey, its not that hard!"_

_"It is when you all give me nothing to work with!"_

_"So how is it Alex could get warrants with this amount of evidence and you cant?"_

_"Back to her again! Jesus Christ get over her Olivia!"_

_"What? You jealous shes better at your job than you?!"_

_I freeze "No" I sigh "I'm sick of constant comparison to her, shes gone Olivia, please fucking drop it"_

_"I could stop bringing it up if you were competent"_

_"I'm plenty competent!"_

_"Well get me my damn warrant!"_

_"Ugh! Just get out! Get the fuck out!"_

_She storms out and I fall into my chair and cry my eyes out. Its been two years and not one of them appreciate anything I do._

_I reach into my drawer and grab the blade. The one thing thats kept me going since I started working here. I hike my skirt up and lightly run the blade over my skin. Usually this satisfies my desire to cut but lately its worse. Stronger. Like its pushing me, self destruction mode is kicking in._

_I press the blade down deeper and slice the skin, the feeling elating me. All the pent up anger flowing out of me. _

"-Casey wake up!"

I moan and feel the tears rolling down my cheeks

"Baby, c'mere, its okay, I have you"

I bury my head into her and cry, feeling just as bad as I did before I talked to Alex, if not worse because now I cant help but feel like I'm letting her down, like I'm hurting her too.

"Sshh baby, its okay" she soothes and I tighten my arms around her

"I-I need to do it, I need the blade-"

"No. You don't. Casey listen to me, you do not need it. I have you here, I'll protect you"

"A-Al I need it, I need it"

"You don't. Sweetheart, you don't need it"

"I need you to help me" I beg her and she kisses my cheek

"I'll always help you baby, always"

"I cant do this anymore Alex, I-I need it to stop, I cant have these nightmares haunting me anymore, I need them to stop"

"They will. They'll stop sweetie"

"What if they don't?"

"Well then, when you wake up I'll hold you and soothe you and let you cry into me. If they don't go away, I'll help you whenever you need me. I'll kiss away your fears"

"I need you Alex" I clutch to her and she kisses me

"Well, I'm not going anywhere so you're in luck"

"You mean it?"

"I wont go anywhere Casey, I promise. I love you"

"I love you too"

"Now honey, try and sleep again"


	7. Chapter 7

"Thank you for telling me Casey"

I nod and curl more into myself, telling her about my nightmares makes me feel vulnerable

"Case, you cam look at me" she says softly and I meet her eyes "Its okay" she assures me and I nod

"So, d'ya want to go to the village and get breakfast?"

I nod "That'd be nice"

Honestly, I'm not even a little hungry. I feel queasy. I feel so sick. I see the look in her eyes, the pity. When I told her about the cutting, I know what she thinks of me. The ugliness she sees in me. I cant..

She takes my hand "You are so beautiful Casey, don't you start thinking you're not"

"H-How did you-?"

"You're rubbing your thighs" she gestures to my hands and I sigh

"Sorry"

"Don't apologise baby, c'mon, lets grab a shower and we'll go"

"...u-um"

"Separate showers Casey-"

"Actually, can it not be?"

"You want to shower together?"

I nod "I want to hold you... properly"

She smiles and kisses me "Thanks for trusting me"

"I do.."

She takes my hand "C'mon, let me hold you"

xx

She runs her hands over my sides and I close my eyes

"Baby" she whispers against my ear "open your eyes, its okay, its just me"

The water flows down our bodies and she caresses my scarred thighs

"Beautiful, okay? Gorgeous Casey. Look at me please baby"

I open my eyes and look at her hands, tenderly rubbing my thighs and I look up, meeting her eyes.

"I love you" she says and I see it, her eyes are filled with emotion, she wants to show me how much she loves me but she doesn't need to, I know.

"I love you too Alex"

"Just because these are there it wont stop me loving you. You have all my heart and that wont change, this doesn't change you, not to me"

I break down and she pulls me into her hold "Let it out baby, thats it, cry, its okay. I have you"

"A-Alex I-I'm so sorry"

"For what sweetheart? Why are you sorry?"

"I just..shouldn't be putting you through this"

"I'm here because I want to be, not because I have to be, Jesus Case, if I didn't want to be here I wouldn't be. I need you just as much as you need me, don't you dare think you're forcing me to stay, just let me support you Casey, thats what you do in relationships, support each other"

I cry harder against her neck and she washes my back, the motion of her hands soothing me

"I love you Casey" she kisses my neck and I moan against her

She keeps kissing and I pull away and look her in the eyes "Alex, will you um... make love to me?"

"Are you sure thats okay?"

"I'm sure. Please, I need you to touch me"

She smiles and kisses my lips, a loving kiss yet a rough, passion filled one

I moan into her and she takes my hand as we break apart and runs it to her centre

"Do you feel that? Do you feel how wet I am for you? Its all for you Casey, you are gorgeous"

I run my fingers over her centre and her breath hitches

"Case, please, go inside" she urges and I enter her, feeling her wetness gush onto my hand

I move my fingers, pushing up into her and she groans

"C-Case, that's... please k-keep going"

I speed up my movements and with every movement I feel her legs sway "Case-y! I-I'm so close"

I kiss her "Cum Al"

She moans against me and after a minute she finishes "C-Case.. Fuck that was amazing"

"You look so beautiful" I say and she runs her hand up my thighs

"You need to see that you make me feel so amazing. You are beautiful Casey, so beautiful and I love you and I want you to see how beautiful you are. I want to make you feel beautiful"

She runs her hand over my centre and massages my folds "I love you Casey, I want you to cum for me"

"G-Go in, please"

She pushes up into me and I moan, feeling my walls stretch to envelope her fingers

"Oh Al" I breathe out "Please, touch m-my clit"

She moves her fingers out slowly and massages my clit, sending shocks through me

She kisses down my neck "You're so wet baby"

"Ugh! Al, I-I-I..

"Let go baby, cum for me"

I grunt as my hips buck against her hand

"Thats it baby, c'mon, drench my hand, cum for me"

She keeps rubbing my clit and I fly over the edge

She holds me up as I catch my breath. My pussy is still clenching, her fingers buried inside me

"Casey, you're still gushing"

"I-I never... I mean I haven't ever came like that" I admit and she kisses me

"I love you and you love me. I find you extremely attractive and I want to stay here, stay with you. I want to, you are not forcing me. I love you"

I kiss her "I love you too Al. Now, We need to go get breakfast"

She goes to get out of the shower and sighs

"There's now towel, I'll run get us one, you wash off"

I catch her wrist "Hey Al, thank you. For all of that, I really needed it"

"Me too Casey, believe me I had just as much fun as you. Now, I'll only be a sec"

"Thanks babe"

I listen to her leave and as I stand under the jet I cant help but think back to earlier, the agonising hour of telling her about the cutting, the dream, my personal hell.

I wish I could cut, just once, just to feel the release, the power. I'd love to feel in control again, in control of my life.

I want to cut, despite knowing how much it'd hurt her, disappoint her.

I want to cut.

I quickly hop out of the quickly cooling shower and reef the medical cabinet looking for a blade, something, anything that'll help me feel pain. Nothing!

I scream into my hands and feel myself start to cry

The door opens and I don't even bother looking up at her, dreading the look on her face

She wraps the towel around me "I didn't bring blades Casey, I'm not an absolute idiot, I know you aren't going to heal overnight"

I break down and she wraps her arms around me "Its okay baby, its okay. You don't need it. You think you do but you don't"

"A-Al I-I do! You don't understand!"

"Well help me, help me understand?"

"I crave it. I-I love feeling in control"

"Control? Thats what you like?"

I nod and she caresses my thighs "You have control. Control over your urges, thats control Casey. Thats real control"

"Why doesn't it feel like that?"

"Because, it'll take time. Its going to take time honey, but I'll be there. I will support you. If you had found a blade, would you have..?"

"...probably"

"Why didn't you call me in here?"

"I... knew you'd stop me"

"For your best interest Case. I would've stopped you because I love you"

"I'm sorry" I apologise and she takes my hand

"I love you too baby but from now on you need to tell me when you feel the urge to hurt yourself so I can help you control them"

"I don't want to disappoint you but I felt like I needed too"

"I understand honey, I do just please, talk to me next time"

"I promise, I will"

"Thank you, now lets go to breakfast, well lunch now, its 1pm"

I nod "If it helps I'm happy I didn't get to cut, I'd feel guilty now if I did"

"And how do you feel now?"

"Guilty I attempted it"

"Baby, you don't need to feel guilty you apologised and well, you stopped yourself from breaking the mirror and using that"

"I guess.."

"Casey, this will get better"

I nod "I hope so"

"It will"


	8. Chapter 8

"Baby, can I talk to you?" She asks and I curl into myself

"S-Sure"

Shes going to want to talk about it. Its all we talk about now.

"Casey, you can say no okay? I was just wondering if I could talk to Olivia"

"No."

She takes my hand "Baby, I won't tell her anything you don't want me to, I'll just tell her that I noticed some stuff and I don't like it, would you really be that against it?"

"Alex I don't want her to know!" I snap and she sighs

"I wont tell her about the cutting Casey, I'll just-"

"No Alex!"

"Why? I want to help!" She urges and I growl

"Just butt out!"

"Case, I know you don't want people to know about it but it'll never get better if you don't let me help"

"Its not that I don't WANT people to know. People CANT know! I'd loose my job! Alex, I'm crazy!-"

She grabs me by the shoulders "No. No you are not crazy. Casey they drove you to do this! You didn't just wake up one morning and start this from no where! Casey, don't you dare say you're crazy. I wont hear that from you"

"Why cant I stop Al?! I-I just want to stop!"

She pulls me into her arms "You can stop. You can stop sweetheart"

"I don't feel like that" I sob and she kisses away my tears

"You can. You can. Listen to me Casey, I'll help you, but you need to let me fix whats causing it. Please, let me help you"

"I cant loose my job. I cant. I don't have anything else Alex, I cant do anything else"

"Baby, you wont loose your job. No one will find out apart from Olivia, I need to make this stop, I cant stand by and watch them hurt you like this"

I nod "O-Okay, please help Al"

"Of course sweetheart"

xx

** 1 week later**

-Alex's POV-

"Olivia, come with me"

She follows me into my office and lock the door behind us

Olivia arches her eyebrow "Whats going on Al?"

"We have a problem"

"We, as in me and you?"

"Yeah. I want to know what your problem is with my girlfriend?"

"My problem with Casey? Alex, you're insane, Casey's my friend-"

"No, I'm you're friend Liv, the way you and all the squad for that matter treat Casey is unacceptable!"

"What? Alex, what has she been telling you?"

"She told me what you all said to her when I was in WPP"

She sighs "Al, that was such a long time ago-"

"Yet she still feels so shit about herself. Olivia I want you to start treating her like you treat me, I'm sick of seeing her in pain"

"Why whats going on?"

"Casey confided in me. She feels second best to me, because of all of you. She feels inadequate and I sure as hell wont have ANYONE making her feel that low about herself, especially not you"

"Alex, what the hell-"

"Please. Treat her better. Please Olivia, there is only so many times and can try to convince her she is amazing and beautiful, she needs friends, friends who treat her right"

"Sure. I mean.. Have I been saying something?" Olivia asks and I sigh

"When I was away, you especially made her feel pretty shit.."

"I'm sorry... I-I... she never said anything"

"Olivia you all ganged up on her just for doing her job! Someone needed to do this job when I left and Olivia shes an amazing prosecutor, I wouldn't have wanted anyone else to do, shes plenty capable and it upset me when she told me how you all treated her. You realise she doesn't feel part of this 'family' we have here? She said I'm on a pedestal compared to her, do you agree?"

She thinks for a minute and sighs "I'm sorry we made her feel like this Al, I-I.. didn't think she still felt upset"

"STILL? You knew she was upset!?"

"Well, when she first started it was obvious she was, we were all grieving over you and yeah, we treated her badly but that stopped! I swear none of us noticed anything now"

"Olivia don't you think the damage was done by now! Hell its been 6 years on and off! This has gone too far"

"Whats going on Al?"

I sit into my office chair "I-I cant say, she made me promise"

"Alex, this involves me! I need to know what I've done.."

I run my hand through my hair "You cant say anything okay? Olivia I mean it.."

"Okay.."

"I found out shes been self harming"

"Oh fuck... Is s-she okay? What did she do?"

"Shes been cutting.. I-I only found out a couple of weeks ago"

"Alex, I-I didn't realise it was so serious, I really am sorry"

"Its okay. Just.. Please treat her better and get the others to treat her better, and don't tell them shes self harming, its bad enough I've told you"

"Okay.. Alex, thanks for letting me know"

"Thank you for fixing it"

"I'm sorry again Al, I swear we'll try harder"

"Thats means a lot Liv"

xx

"Did you tell her I was cutting?" Casey hisses at me as I walk in the apartment door that evening"

"Um..." Okay, I shouldn't lie here, lying makes everything worse "Case, I did but I had to make her see how hurt you were, I made her promise not to tell them-"

"She was here. She apologised for making me feel so upset and, I quote, 'making me cut'"

"Casey, I'm sorry"

"I asked you not to tell her! Alex you promised" she has tears rolling down her cheeks and I feel bad for telling Olivia but I had to, she had to see how she made the love of my life feel

"Sweetheart-" I try to take her hand and she pulls away from me

"Don't. Don't touch me!"

"Casey, I had to show her how she made you feel!"

"You promised you wouldn't tell her!"

"I was trying to get through to her!"

She breaks down, sobbing into her hands and I pull her into me

"I'm sorry. I just needed her to see how much you were hurting. I needed her to stop"

"S-She knows I-I'm weak-k"

"Baby, no one thinks you're weak.."

"You told her! You really don't think she'll tell them what I do! How weak I am, and don't you dare say I'm not, this is a weakness!"

She pushes me away and hurries to the bedroom and I rush after her. She's not getting to opportunity to do anything this time.

To my surprise she doesn't even lock the door, she slams it but just runs in. I crack it open slightly and see her in tears on our bed

I sit beside her, afraid to say anything or touch her in case I scare her away

I work up the courage to rest my hand against her back

"I'm sorry I told her, I-I did promise but I just needed her to see what she was doing"

"I-I don't want them to see me like that, they cant.."

"They wont judge you sweetheart, they wont, c'mere" I open my arms and she leans into me "I promise you, they will not judge you"

I kiss her cheek "I shouldn't have told her, I just wanted her to see how much she hurt you"

"What did she say?" Her sobs turn to sniffles

"She didn't realise what they were all doing.. They'll stop"

"Thank you"

"I'm sorry I told her"

"I'm sorry I got upset"

"Baby, its okay, can I hold you?"

She nods "I love you"

"I love you too"

xx

AN: Thanks for all the reviews! Just letting you all know this is the second last chapter. The next one is an Epilogue!


	9. Chapter 9

*1 year later*

"Olivia, I need my girlfriend back" Alex sighs and Olivia scoffs

"I think thats up to Case, Alex"

"Well, lets see she either has the option to sit here and talk to you and the guys.. OR she can come home with me"

Olivia smirks and turns to me "I'd take the second one if I was you, lets face it, shes a tiger in bed"

I arch my eyebrow "And how do you know that?"

She shrugs "A guess but I'm also guessing by her blush I'm not wrong"

She grabs my hand "Okay, Case time to go and Liv go easy on the beer-"

"I've only had one...tiger"

I laugh as Alex drags me from the bar. We are hand in hand walking towards the apartment when she kisses my cheek

I smile "What was that for?"

"For being amazing"

"Amazing huh? What brought all this on?"

"I love you and I'm proud of you. Over the last year you suffered a lot Casey, what you went through was really hard and I really don't feel like I tell you how proud I am enough"

"Thank you" I smile and kiss her back

"So, was everything okay this evening?"

"Yeah, it was great babe. You? How was everything with that new detective? I saw you chatting with her"

"Yeah, Rollins seems okay, she has the hots for Liv"

"Seriously? Shes only here like five minutes!"

"Olivia is an attractive woman Case, you cant blame Amanda for having a crush on her"

"Oh? Shes attractive is she?" I challenge and she smirks

"Why? What would you do if I said yes?"

"This" I push her against the alley wall and kiss down her neck

She moans and slips her her hands under my blouse

"Shit, Casey, if we get caught-"

"-We wont" I moan against her ear and she shivers beneath me

"Casey, t-touch me.. Oh Case"

I pull back and smirk "We should get home"

"Case! You cant stop there!"

"Yeah.. I can"

"But Case.." She whines and I smirk

"You'll have to wait baby"

"I hate you"

"Love you too babe"

xx

"Wow... That was worth the wait" she pants and I curl some of her hair around my finger

"Damn right it was worth the wait" I purr and she smirks and wraps her arms around me

"I love you"

"I love you too darling"

She places light kisses to my collar bone and runs her hands over my thighs

I look down to her hands and she stills her movements "-Sorry" she apologises and I shake my head

"Keep going. Its fine, comforting"

"Yeah?"

I nod "Yeah.. God Al, I was so scared to tell you and you never even flinched when you saw them"

She shakes her head "They are part of you sweetheart, thats all that matters to me"

"You are so sweet" I smile and kiss her forehead

"I'm actually made of sugar" she replies and I chuckle

"Now you're cute too"

"Now I'm cute? So what, I wasn't cute before?"

"Well..."

She swats at me and I smile "Of course you were cute, you've always been cute"

"Always huh? What about that day in the office when we were screaming at each other about the Collins case-"

"That was far from cute, that was just plain sexy Al"

"Oh? And what about the time-"

"It was probably amazingly sexy too. You are amazingly sexy"

"Hmm you aren't bad yourself baby" She rolls me over "2nd round?"

"I think I could go for that"

xx

AN: Hi! Sorry to say I'm ending it there. I had another story idea and it wouldn't go away and I ended up having no ideas for this story! Hope you all liked it anyway! Let me know what you think!

Oh and keep an eye out for this new story, the first chapter should be up some time this week! Its pre-established Calex and its family/drama story. If thats your thing I'd ask you to please read it? Thanks!


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